12 week miscarriage story
“Ssssssh don’t say anything, she’s just had a misacarriage”
You can just feel the eyes stare at you, no one daring to say anything for fear that you will burst into tears at the mere mention of pregnancy or babies.
Well, for many the reality is just that, miscarriage is one of those taboo subjects, no one really knows what to say, so they say nothing at all, which makes it more awkward than being told “ I’m so sorry about your loss”…
Don’t get me wrong, I know a couple of ladies who have suffered through miscarriage, and I haven't known what to say. It not easy, but am sure that saying something, anything, is better than ignoring it.
I went through a very early miscarriage last year, four days before our 12 week scan I started bleeding, ever so slightly at first and then within a couple of hours the blood loss increased and a couple of little clots came away. I was gutted, I knew it was over…
I phoned the doctors out of hours number and was told the hospital wouldn’t see me as it was too early in the pregnancy, instead to wait till morning, phone my GP and they would arrange for an early scan. You can imagine there wasn’t much sleep had that night, each trip to the toilet saw more blood and more tears.
I took my little boy into nursery and managed a smile and a wave before phoning the doctors. He was great and I had two hours to wait till the scan.
So there I was, waiting for a scan, just knowing that there would be no happy ending, no little bean waiting on the screen for me to see, no magical heartbeat and no scan photo to carry around for the next 7/8 months.
It was an external scan, as my dates were pretty spot on and very nearly the 12 week mark and pretty much straight away the sonographer just sadly shook her head at me. She estimated the babies heartbeat had stopped around the 8/9 week mark and my body had started rejecting the embryo.
I was devastated, even though I knew there was too much blood loss not to be over, there was still that little ray of hope that a little fighter would pull through. It wasn’t the fairy tale ending we had so hoped for.
I spoke with the sister and she explained my options, either go through a natural miscarriage which could happen whenever/wherever, have a controlled miscarriage or have a D&C… My mind was rolling, what was best, which should I choose? Someone make the decision for me please?
I left the hospital not making a decision, what if I chose a D&C and the sonographer was wrong? What if she had missed the baby on the scan and made a terrible mistake --- it happens right? It was a possibility right?
After crying pretty much all day and trying to avoid going the loo, I realised, no she hadn’t made a mistake, I wasn’t pregnant and the reality of waiting and waiting for a natural miscarriage was just too upsetting. I phoned and booked in for a D&C later that week…
The next evening my partner was working nights, so I went to stay at my mums with my little boy, I went to bed and was just having a final look on face book - as you do! And wham, a sudden cramp hit from nowhere… I had a sudden urge to go the loo and when I went, wow, the loss was incredible… So much blood and I wont go into too much detail but it was not pleasant and left me with no doubt at all that I’d experienced a natural miscarriage. It really was all over, that was for sure.
The next day I phoned the hospital and booked in for a scan the next day… I had lost quite a lot of the pregnancy but there was still some remaining. I was given the option of a D&C but turned it down as there was not much left to lose. Surprisingly, it took a couple more weeks and scans until that final part of the pregnancy passed through.
If I had the choice again I would elect for a D&C, the sonographers know what they are looking for, no amount of wishing and praying they are wrong will change the fact the baby had gone, for me, I think the way the miscarriage went on and on just made it worse, I could not start to heal emotionally when every time I went the loo there was that reminder on the toilet roll!
A few months have passed now , the baby would have been due in June and I still imagine what my bump would look like, would we have found out the sex this time, what name would we have chosen and all those other unanswered questions … It does get easier, but you never forget, I was lucky I lost our little bean very early on, I can’t imagine what it must be like to loose a baby later on in pregnancy, sadly I know mummies to be have had to endure miscarriages at such late stages ---- life can be so cruel.
I have put a link to a help page, I think once you have cried your tears there are places you can get help. I didn’t take the offer from work about counselling, but I know others who have found it helpful…
Thank you for reading my story
